Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just threw up on my dentist
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need water and some morals
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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