mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
