Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
