dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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