I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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