Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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