My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
