I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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