why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
