he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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