nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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