Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
