you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
