hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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