It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
