the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
