dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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