Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
