i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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