That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
