i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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