Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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