It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
