She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize