she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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