It's like God shit irony all over that family
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
