So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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