Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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