I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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