My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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