I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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