I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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