Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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