I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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