I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Will exercising make me less horny?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
