I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
