I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
