i'm signing you up for texting rehab
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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