Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
