I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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