I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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