I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
