His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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