i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
