He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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