Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
