he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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