I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
