So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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