Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
