i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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