Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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