The maid of honor just puked.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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