i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
