I can't breathe out the right side of my face
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
