someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
