Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
