i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just gift wrapped bread.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
