They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
